The Visions
by Phabel
Summary: Sixteen-year-old Azula is insane. But why? And is there a way back from insanity? Read about Azula's subconscious memories that helped to play a role in her ultimate demise, and perhaps even her recovery...
1. Hair

Sixteen-year-old Azula lay staring at the ceiling in her lonely room at the asylum. All the walls were a light, milky green. It was the sort of green that made most people want to relax and fall asleep. Everything - ceiling, bed sheets, and all - were the same shade of cool, calm, green.

She hated the color green.

One year ago - or was it two? She couldn't remember - she had been overthrown by her own brother. Everyone had assumed it was the shock of losing it all that caused her to lose her mind with it, but that wasn't it. Those fools didn't know _anything._

The real reason she was stuck in an insane asylum was much simpler, and probably more humiliating: she couldn't put her hair up.

It was true. The great fire princess, mastermind behind the Phoenix King plot and conquerer of Ba Sing Se, went her entire life without knowing how to properly tie her hair into a bun.

In her asylum, Azula had no idea that her ex-friend Ty lee had hung her out to dry on this fact. I recall her saying something like this:

"Oh, yeah. Azula was a genius, but a little hard to understand. Every day, when we were traveling together to capture the Avatar, she would ask me to tie her hair up for her. It was _weird._"

If it wasn't Ty lee, it was a servant. All her life, some one else would tie her hair up for her. How does this relate to her mental decline, you ask? Well there's a little more to it than what I've shown you so far...

* * *

Six-year-old Azula sat before her vanity trying to tie her hair up. She wanted to be a big girl and tie it up all by herself; just like her mom. For several minutes, she fumbled with the ribbon and her hair until, finally, the child had had enough. She got so frustrated that she grabbed a pair of scissors from the upper left drawer of the vanity.

"Alright, hair!" she squealed in her tiny voice, "Prepare to die!"

She was just about to chop off half her head of hair when her mother, Ursa, happened by and stopped her. Ursa rushed to the child and grabbed the scissors from her. Gently, she said, "You don't want to do that. You have such beautiful hair."

Azula smiled and hugged her mother, who hugged back. Then, when she was done, Azula held up the ribbon and gave Ursa an eager smile. "Alright," Ursa said, "I'll tie it for you. But you're going to have to learn how eventually."

"But...I like it when _you _tie it, mommy," said the young, innocent six year old. Her mother laughed warmly and tied the girl's hair into a top knot.

* * *

Sixteen-year-old Azula had forgotten all about that experience until that moment. She remembered when her mother appeared in the mirror, she had said something similar.

_What a shame. You've always had such beautiful hair._

The words made her shudder.

Frequently, she would see (or she'd think she'd see) very strange things. Her brother asking her to play, her mother telling her she loved her, her uncle giving her advice...only, there was something similar about all of the visions. They all were _young. _

Azula didn't realize this, but all of her visions were based on past experiences. They were all thoughts and ideas stored away in her subconscious, now making a reappearance. Not forgotten, but lost.

Soon, they'll be found.


	2. Beach House

The asylum Azula stayed at was on an island. The island was called "Bunri Suru," meaning "isolate". Every moment Azula spent alone in her room, all she could hear was the roar of the ocean crashing against the rocky shore.

She used to love the ocean. Did she? She could hardly remember. The word "love," for Azula, was in the same category as dolls and playing house. It was the kind of thing you let go of as you grew older, which is why she couldn't quite place how she used to feel about the ocean. Love didn't mean anything.

She did, though. Azula used to love the ocean very much. Way back when her family used to visit Ember Island, going sailing was the highlight of the trip for her. She loved the breeze, the smell, the infinite, shimmering blue waves...but no matter. Those days were of no use to her now. When their mother left and they stopped visiting Ember Island, she forgot all about those happy times.

Or did she?

* * *

Six-and-a-half-year-old Azula jumped onto her parents' beds early one summer morning. "C'mon! Let's go sailing! I can't wait any more!" Ursa and Ozai sluggishly got out of their separate beds. Ursa cracked the window in order to see what time it was, and to her dismay, the sun had not yet risen. She then looked down at the bright-eyed, enthusiastic Azula and gave her a warm smile. "Alright, let's go sailing," she said obligingly.

_"What?!" _Ozai half yelled, half whispered in a disgusted tone. "It's not even dawn!"

"Look at how much she wants to go! She's so good, and she doesn't ask for much!"

"We can't simply heed all our children's desires! _We're_ the adults! _We _rule _them!"_

"This isn't about power, or who's ruling whom! This is about doing something nice for your only daughter!"

And, so, the argument went on. Azula had witnessed them yelling at each other before. She used to be too young to comprehend what was happening, but now she was old enough to know that it was time to quietly slink out of the room. She felt a pang of guilt as she realized she was the cause of the whole debacle. As she walked down the spacious hallway, she had the impulse to go to Zuko's room instead of her own.

She cracked open his door to see, through the darkness, her brother sitting up in bed rubbing his eyes. "Zuzu?" she asked innocently.

"Hi, Azula," Zuko murmured drowsily. "Are mom and dad yelling at each other?"

"Yes," she replied, "and I think it's my fault."

Zuko was almost eight years old at this point; old enough to know, whatever it was his parents were having a screaming match about, it wasn't because of his little sister. "You're fine. They just...are having a hard time. It's not your fault." His reassuring words made Azula smile, and she hugged him.

* * *

Seventeen-year-old Firelord Zuko wandered around the ghostly remains of his family's old vacation house. He stared into his old bedroom, remembering the simpler times. Times when his family wasn't in ruins, his mother was still around, his father just a prince...

When his sister wasn't insane...

He hadn't thought about Azula in awhile. He'd had many pressing matters to take care of as Firelord...but who was he kidding? He hadn't visited Azula in her asylum because, even after she had lost her mind, she still scared him.

He thought about this for a moment, then deciding that that wasn't quite it. He wasn't so much afraid _of _her as he was afraid _for_ her. He knew it was ridiculous, but he felt a little guilty about her mental state. Back when she was in her prime, even Uncle had agreed that she needed to be taken down. But...that was when she was a threat. Now that she couldn't hurt anyone, was he supposed to just let bygones be bygones and take her under his wing, so to speak?

The whole train of questions left him feeling frustrated and a bit restless. He knew they would haunt him for days to come.

Just then, he heard footsteps from the hall.

"There you are. I was looking for you." It was Mai.

Zuko followed her back down the hall and to the new Imperial Beach House, lost in thought. He remembered back to when he was on his own hunting Aang. He was frustrated and confused...everything he thought to be solid truths turned out to be lies...all he needed was some guidance...

Could his sister be going through something similar?

No. Zuko, deep down, was still the same person as he had been all those years ago. Azula had changed drastically. She probably didn't even remember the days when they got along...


	3. Afraid of the Dark

Seven year old Azula sat up in bed, staring out at the nothingness that surrounded her. The ebony blindness of night twisted its self around her, suffocating and drowning her. Gruesome creatures of all shapes and sizes developed from the pits of the child's worst nightmares. She needed some assurance that she wasn't going to die, she needed some protection...

"MOM!"

Ursa rushed to Azula's rescue. The girl had screamed loud enough to wake the whole tower. "What is it?! What's wrong?!" Ursa asked urgently, wielding her candle like a sword.

"I'm scared," Azula said in a small voice. Ursa knelt down and comforted the child.

"It's alright, sweetie. Nothing's going to hurt you." She ran her fingers through Azula's silky hair.

It was very reassuring to here this from her mom, because Azula knew her mom knew everything. Still, the black night still scared her...

Ursa saw the uncertainty in the girl's eyes. "You can keep my candle for the night," she said.

* * *

The next morning, after Azula got all washed up and Ursa put her hair up for her, she was approached by her father. Ozai had a hint of rage in his eyes. This wasn't unusual, but it seemed more prominent on this particular morning. He grabbed Azula by the arm and pulled her off to the side of the hall. "What do you think you're doing, calling for your _mother_ in the middle of the night?" he asked sternly.

His tone frightened Azula. "I dunno...I was scared..." she answered meekly.

"_Scared?!_ Of what, the floorboards?!" Ozai howled, agitated. "You're too old for this! You can't feel useless things like fear anymore! Fear is weakness! Your job is to make _others_ afraid of _you!"_ Azula stared wide-eyed at her outraged father, not really grasping what he wanted of her.

"Forget it!" he spat, "You're just as pathetic as your brother." He walked away.


	4. The Firebender

Azula had good days and bad days at the insane asylum. Well, it was more like bearable and unbearable days. Sometimes, her mind was so clear she almost felt like her old self again. During those times, she'd even try to plot an escape.

Today was not one of those days.

The day started out like any other. Azula woke up, blinked a few times to clear the fog from her eyes, and stared at the putrid green walls. Her bed was in the corner of the otherwise empty room. She had rolled on her side and stared at the wall closest to her for awhile. Then, just to switch it up, she decided to roll back over and stare at the far wall.

There, standing right in front of her bed, was the eight-year-old Zuko.

"Hi, Azula! Just wanted to see how you were doing."

She didn't know why, but the vision felt like a knife in the heart. She closed her eyes tightly, but tears still managed to spill out. Loudly, she cried.

As usual, when she began crying, she couldn't stop. Once she was pushed over the emotional cliff, there was no regaining her composure. Crazed, she screamed wildly. Her thoughts became irrational and veiled with the darkness of insanity. It was like a terrible nightmare, one where you run and run but can't run fast enough. You can't escape the terrible darkness...

* * *

Black. All around, nothing but inky, impenetrable darkness. Shivering, seven-year-old Azula gripped the soft bedspread around her. Blinking hard, rubbing her eyes, she tried to make out some small trace of light.

Nothing.

Frozen and in despair, she wanted to call for her mother, but she suddenly remembered what her father told her. She was too old to still be afraid of the dark. She had to be strong.

But he was a firebender! He could summon light at will! How did he know what it was like?!

But...if he could firebend, why couldn't she?

The cold, aphotic air chilled her bones, even through the covers. She remembered him trying to teach her brother to bend. Zuko was eager to please, but he wasn't very skilled. For that reason, her father would repeat over and over again to him to breath and visualize the heat of the sun.

The young Azula closed her eyes. Through the chilled air, she remembered the sun. Through the darkness, she took a breath. Through her fear, she created fire.

Deep down, Azula associated fear with success. Subconsciously, she realized that fear was her strength, but for those who could not tame it, it was a weakness. It was this realization, coupled with many years of observing her father, that made her as cold and manipulative as she always was.

* * *

The older, insane Azula opened her eyes. The memories felt so real, it was as if she was actually there. She thought about all the time she spent controlling people, manipulating them with fear. At that moment, she couldn't tell right from wrong. She couldn't decide whether she liked the way she was more before or after she learned to bend. She was confused.

It was then that she had the first incorrupt and sane thought since she was seven:

_I just want to talk to someone._


	5. The Message

A messenger hawk flew from the island of Bunri Suru. It floated over the miles of glistening ocean from the isolated island. Soon, it reached the magnificent island chain of the Fire Nation. It stared out at the beautiful mountains, spacious plains, and small fishing and farming villages that spanned the far end of the Nation. Finally, hours later and from many miles up, it located the capitol city and dove down. The hawk felt a thrill as it plunged to earth faster and faster. Anything not in his direct line of sight became a blur. Still very high up, it located an open window in the royal palace. Speeding towards it, it managed to slow its self down just in time to fly through the window and into what seemed to be the main hall just outside the throne room.

A guard noticed the creature. He picked it up on his forearm, detaching the letter from it's back. On the letter was an inscription that read:

_**To:** Firelord Zuko_

Immediately, the guard stopped reading. The punishment for reading other people's mail was prison, and it could be even worse being that it was the Firelord's mail. He had been hoping it was from his wife.

The guard walked up to another guard; one that was guarding the immediate entrance to the throne room. "Is the Firelord currently speaking with anyone?" he asked.

"No," the other guard replied,"I don't think so." The first guard thanked him, and he (the first guard) stepped into the throne room.

The guard knelt in respect for the Firelord. He much preferred Zuko to his father Ozai, mainly because he wasn't living with the constant fear of being fired (or worse) for making a small error. He was able to kneel in respect rather than in terror.

"Stand," said Zuko. The guard got to his feet. The teenager still wasn't used to having everyone he met bow to him, and he wished the needless formality could just be bypassed. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, Firelord, sir," said the guard, "everything's fine. But a messenger hawk just came addressed to you."

Zuko put out the large flames that surrounded his throne and stepped down to receive the note. The guard handed it to him and he sat back on his throne. He dismissed the guard and began to read the message.

_**To:** Firelord Zuko_

_**From:** Bunri Suru Mental Institution_

_**Message:** Your sister, Princess Azula, is exhibiting peculiar behavior and we feel it is in her best interest if you payed her a visit. She screams very loudly both night and day and in both sleep and waking. We have tried to help her ourselves, but when our caregivers try to intervene, she screams "Mom" until she's red in the face. We believe her mental state to be rapidly deteriorating. Her motor skills are poor, and at times, she appears to have forgotten large parts of her life. We feel you could help because you are her family, and therefore must be associated with many of her memories and experiences. Nothing is clear, but we feel this association may help to bring her back to the present._

Zuko stared at the note, not really knowing what to think. Of course he was going to go, but how would she react to him? Would she scream? Cry? Try to kill him? Nothing was clear.

* * *

Of course the idiots at the institution misinterpreted Azula's "peculiar behavior." How could they possibly interpret what her behavior meant when they had no idea why she was doing it? She screamed at night because she had nightmares, and she screamed during the day because her visions became waking projections of her nightmares. Actually, she would have the same nightmare over and over:

She'd be sitting up in her bed at the palace. It would be so dark she could barely see, and she'd try to create fire...but it wouldn't work. She'd try it again and again, the way she always had: breathe in, visualize, and burn. Only it wouldn't work. No matter how hard she'd try, it wouldn't work. Her fear would grow, she'd hyperventilate, and scream as loud as she could. Then, she'd see a bright blue flash of light and she'd wake up.

During the day, she'd be sitting in her green room minding her own business, when she'd remember the dream. She'd try to get her mind off of it, but once the memory struck her, there was no way she could shake it. Her vision would dim; everything would appear darker. The image of the room would warp, and she'd see any number of terrifying things in the semidark insanity. The horrific display would go on for hours, and at it's end, she'd always think how much she wished she could talk to someone other then the caregivers that treated her like a child.

The reason she "appeared to have forgotten large parts of her life" was because of her feeble attempts to explain all the memories and visions that were resurfacing. Her insanity didn't make her senile; just bad with words.

They did get one thing right, though: she _did_ want to see her brother. She wanted to get something cleared up in a memory that she had recently, well, remembered. It went like this...

* * *

Seven-year-old Azula, after making fire for the first time ever, jumped out of her bed and ran down the hall towards her father's chambers. He had seemed so fed up with her the day before that she simply couldn't wait to show him her new skill. However, as she was scurrying down the hall, she remembered something she had woken him up early the previous summer and it really set him off. Not wanting to disappoint, she went instead to the dining hall and had breakfast.

Later that morning, Ursa walked out to the courtyard for some fresh air and found her daughter out there, facing away, not appearing to have noticed her entry. She seemed to be holding something. It was then that Ursa noticed the smoke...

Quickly, Ursa ran over, grabbed the small burning leaf out of Azula's hands (burning her thumb in the process), and threw it into the lake a few feet away.

"Mommy, why'd you do that?! I was _firebending!_ For the first time! Why'd you ruin it?!"

Ursa was still in panic mode when she answered. "You shouldn't be bending by yourself! You could have hurt yourself! Or _worse!_ Fire is very dangerous, Azula."

Azula was disappointed by her mother's reaction. She thought for sure she would be impressed! No matter. If her mother was awake, her father definitely was. Now was her chance to get on his good side!

Ozai was in the Agni Kai arena, trying to teach his son to firebend. He had been hoping Zuko, his heir, had inherited his firebending prowess, but that was clearly not the case. Zuko failed to create even the tiniest spark.

Already frustrated, Ozai was in no mood to have the lesson interrupted by his daughter. "Dad! Dad! Look what _I_ can do!" Azula yelled.

"Not now, Azula! Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?!" Ozai hissed.

"Just look and I'll go away!" she yelled back. Ozai obliged.

Azula did just what she had done the night before. A small flame came from the palm of her hand. She breathed deep, and the flame grew in size.

Ozai was stunned. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. The little girl beamed at his bewilderment.

"Azula...come! I will begin training you immediately!" Azula ran over to him eagerly.

"Zuko," said Ozai.

"Yes, father?"

"You are dismissed." Shocked, Zuko hesitated. His father didn't even look at him when he said, "Go on, leave! Your sister and I have training to do."

Naturally, Zuko was hurt. All he wanted was to please his father, and his sister took it all away from him. Zuko spent the entire day in his room, trying to create fire. He tried so hard to visualize the sun and breath properly, but it wasn't working.

Later that night, there was a knock at the door. It was Azula.

"Did you like my firebending?" she asked eagerly. "Father says I'm going to be great at it! He says I'm a...a progijy!"

Angry, frustrated, and tired, Zuko replied, "No, I _hated_ it. And it's 'prodigy'."

For a moment, Azula looked sad. Then, she got angry. "You're just jealous that I'm better than you!"

"Am _not!_" Zuko yelled back.

"Are too! I'm gonna be a hundred times better than you, and you know it!"

"Get out of my room!" He slammed the door on her.

* * *

Zuko stared out the miles of glistening ocean as he remembered this. He had been completely jealous of her. He should have just swallowed his pride and not been a jerk to his little sister.

What use were "should have"s, though? He was a jerk when he was eight, but that didn't mean he couldn't still set things right.

He hoped she wasn't so far gone that there was nothing he could do.


	6. The Meeting

Zuko wasn't the only one who was alerted of Azula's supposed decline. A messenger hawk was also sent to Iroh's tea shop because he was her only other known living relative that wasn't in prison. Iroh, however, never got the message because was already visiting the royal palace. So, it worked out rather conveniently.

Iroh joined Zuko on the ship to Bunri Suru. Mai, however, did not join them. She and Zuko were officially engaged as of two weeks prior to his leaving to visit Azula, and as future Firelady, she was in charge of the Nation for the time being.

The morning of their arrival was cloudy and humid. A fog made it difficult for the large metal ship to locate the island, but they managed fine.

Iroh noticed that Zuko was unusually quiet. "Is something wrong, Zuko?" he asked.

"I'm fine, Uncle." Iroh could tell he wasn't. It was written all over the pensive expression on his face.

"It's about your sister, isn't it?" Iroh asked, "I'm sure she's just fine. She's probably just an escape and wants the caregivers to let their guard down, knowing her." Iroh's comment didn't seem to improve Zuko's mood.

At that moment, their ship was docked. Iroh and Zuko walked out onto the long metal dock and were greeted by the head of the facility: a short, stout man named Xiao Wang. He bowed.

"Firelord. We are honored to have you here at our humble institution. I assure you we have done everything within our power to revive your sister."

"I'm sure you have, and I appreciate it," Zuko replied. The man got to his feet. "Come. I'll bring you to her."

* * *

Azula had been told about Zuko's visit. The caregivers didn't want to cause her even more stress. Even if they hadn't, however, Azula wouldn't have been anxious on that particular day. It was one of her most bearable days in a very long time. She'd done a good job distracting herself from the memory of her dream by planning out what exactly she wanted to say to him.

Only a few hours after she woke up, there was a knock at the door. A stream of caregivers filed into the room "The Firelord has arrived, Princess. He has asked to speak with you in private, so we'll need to put you in a straight jacket," one of them said. Azula's hands were already cuffed together. The idea of being even more restrained bothered her, but she didn't resist.

"Do as you must," she said calmly, and they wrapped her in the inescapable binds of the jacket. The caregivers left and, a moment later, Zuko walked in.

Azula didn't look at him because, being aware of her feeble mental state, she didn't want to evoke a panic attack. She stared off to her right instead. "Hello, Zuzu," she said coldly.

"Hi, Azula," Zuko said in a low voice. A small smile appeared on Azula's face. She still scared him.

"How are you and Mai? Rumor has it you're engaged."

"Yes, we are," Zuko replied. Azula grimaced.

"It figures. I suppose traitors attract other traitors." There was silence for several minutes. Azula tried to figure out how to transition the conversation over to the memory she'd had when Zuko spoke.

"So...how are you doing?"

If her hands weren't locked into her straight jacket, Azula would have face-palmed. "Really, brother? You're asking me how I'm doing? How _dare_ you ask me that!" She became hysterical. "You get your waterbender peasant to put me in chains, you ship me off to this unholy island where I'm stuck in this green room with nothing to do but breath, AND YET YOU HAVE THE _GAUL_ TO ASK ME HOW I'M DOING?!" Zuko was visibly frightened, but Azula was still avoiding looking at him._  
_

"TRUTH IS, _ZUZU,_ I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING SO HOT." She shivered in rage and frustration. Suddenly, she realized she had lost control and calmed down.

"My apologies, Zuzu. I'm not as..._stable_ as I used to be." Zuko scratched his head in confusion. It was as if she was flipping back and forth between being rational and irrational. At any given moment, she could flip and completely lose it. He had to be on guard at all times.

"Do you remember when I first learned to firebend?" Azula asked. Zuko raised an eyebrow at the random question, but then remembered that he was just thinking about it.

"Yeah, I do remember. And I'm sorry. I was jealous of your skills and I took it out on you."

"There's no need to apologize, Zuzu. How old were you? Eight? It was only natural for you to be angry."

Zuko smiled a little, feeling that this was the first decent thing his sister had said to him in a very, very long time. "I just feel like, if I had been nicer to you, you might not have turned out so...so..."

"Insane? Loony? Pathetic?" Azula asked accusingly. He could see that she was starting to snap again. "I'm _right here_, you know!"

"Azula, _calm down._ I just wish that I had done something so that you would be healthy now." That seemed to work. She wasn't shaking with fury now.

"There's one thing I wanted to ask you," Zuko said.

"Well, what is it?"

Zuko gulped hard, not knowing how she would react to the question. "The night Granddad died and Momdisappeared, did Mom...come in your room to say goodbye?"

Azula, still not looking at him, began to shiver. Tears formed in her eyes despite her attempts to force them back. One rolled down her cheek. She scrunched her eyebrows together, pained by her sadness...

"I don't know," she whispered softly.

Zuko didn't hear her. "What?"

"I said: I DON'T KNOW!" She spit sapphire flames straight at him. He blocked them, of course. Then she looked at his face, the face of her big brother...

And she lost it.

Shaking, she felt the semidarkness enclose her. Her sight twitched, faultered, and gave way to the dark visions.


End file.
